We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
