I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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