So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
