I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
pray to the hookup gods
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
