Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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