I bet he comes in French.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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