God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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