Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
