the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize