u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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