i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
well you can't waste a boner
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
