I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize