Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
