Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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