she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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