my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
