im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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