Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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