I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
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