...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
