When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
