they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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