alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
