He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
