you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
