The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
