Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
