hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
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