I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
