so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
