I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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