this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We're too hungover to prance.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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