My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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