I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
