She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
