im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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