you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
