If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
