if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
