dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
