one two three fourrrrnication!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
