You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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