i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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