i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
