I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
