Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
