Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
