8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
