I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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