Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
