theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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