She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
