I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Houston, we have a squirter
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
