i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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