just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
