Swine flu. Run for my life!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
