I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
