Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
