my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
