I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
