she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
