I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize
