He uses pillows to masturbate.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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