I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
