Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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