If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
People in love make me want to vomit
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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