Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
