3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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