My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
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